i'm so confused.

what a week, and what a day, and what a night.

its a beautiful day, and it should be, i just met someone who i consider truly beautiful.

now that i said that, i can begin my tale..... get your ramen and your purple bean bags, people, its gonna be a long night. but an awesome one.

i got to spend it with one of the most unique, smart, wit-tastic, strange, most utterly and naturally attractive girl in a long time. i mean, i was totally taken off-guard, at 3 in the morning i had just come back from a long day of hanging out wit da guys, and she ims me, out of the blue, totally something i would do, so i said i was bored, and she said i should go see her sometime, and i said now? and she gave me directions.

this girl, how can i explain, she told me her life story, and i did the best to pay attention i could, and i understood most of it. i felt like grabbing her and shaking her and saying "WHY DID YOU DO THAT??". its her life, she's free to do with it what she wants, but, if only i could have got to her sooner, i could have saved her from such atrocities....

well, at least she had an adventure, thats commendable. but like all the other girls, she's still fixated on one of her first boyfriends, and theres nothing i can do to make her forget, besides a temporary affectional escape.

I listened to her talk, and speak, it was entertaining. she didn't talk too much, or too little, everything was just right.
theres just so much to say.
its like randomly meeting a person out of nowhere, and you become so attracted to them it hurts.
everything hurt, inside.
knowing i'd probably be nothing more than nothing.
knowing this one night that was so special to me, was probably just an end of a string of innuendo for her.
well maybe i can be glad if i was the one to end it.
the one to show her, hey, all guys aren't pussy grabbing assholes.
i tried to treat her with respect, the most i could, keeping in mind my attraction. see in my case, i didn't want to be like all the rest of the guys before, that week or that month or whatever.

she was special to me.

we walked, we danced, we shared music, ideas, and jokes. she offered me ramen!!! thats so hot. (explitive deleted). i really have to ask myself why. why am i with her tonight? why did i get this chance? or this morning.

we stayed up all night. i tried to have her fall asleep in my arms, but i fell asleep in hers. it was heartbreak. she hinted at me seeing her again, but i'll just carry on like i won't. i'll always remember that night.

i would give you details, all the things i look at but don't really care about in the end, but they don't really matter do they...
i'll never see her again.

out of all her prospects, what is the chance that i'm the one? the cutest one? the smartest one? or even the funniest one?

but you know what, i be the most loyal, kind, and honest one. i feel like deleting this entry, for the first time i've ever felt like deleting any entry. i'm so angry too.

no, i have to get it out of my head.

yet.................... i really want to take her to jack's party at the yardhouse. she's in a saying yes thing right now i guess, and it would be easy just to ask her now, but would it be right? my heart is so confused. she's went to church at 9am i think, and i left at 8:15am.


all nighter, with this girl, something to remember. as she walked away, and i yearned to say something but didn't.... it was such a bad ending to an almost perfect night, but in this world of imperfection, i guess that made it perfect. sometimes saying nothing is the key.

i mean, i didn't want to feel sorry for her, but i did. i felt like holding my fist up to the sky and proclaiming her as my own anime style... but.... luke tradition frowns upon it, and maybe it was too good to be true

can i really compete with 27 year old guys? HELL YEAH I CAN. AND I CAN KICK THERE MFIFNGNGNGNGN ASSES TOO!
self esteem problem? not me. well maybe sometimes.

things to remember:
pink
red!
booger
fart?
dkny
her laugh
her smile
fancy ramen
random acts of kindness
random acts of affection
driving 90 on a spare tire
not bringing a guitar and not singing, but promising to someday.

one last final thing before i ruin it, which i probably have already,
when i was driving her a block back to her apartment, she may not have had the slightest clue, but the get up kids were singing "Long Goodnight".

laura... *sigh i haven't done you justice with this blog entry by any means, and what more can i say? you're lovely.