dreaming in waking life gives hell and nightmares no meaning.

i thought about what i'd write when i wrote in this again, or if i'd even write in this again.

when you connect with a person, you get nothing but hate from the ones who don't know you
and you get nothing but love from the one you connect with

which is the better? hate from those who don't know you, or love from the one who does?

was it was the wrong thing to do? posting "secret thoughts" on here?
was it wrong to be honest?
was it wrong to get too attached, too soon?

we all tell someone our secret thoughts, i would be glad if someone shared them.
we are lucky if someone is truly honest in this world.
we all take chances, and sacrifice.

i knew what i was getting myself into, i knew i'd hurt Jenny, because even if it was only 2 dates, i knew they were special to her. and they were special to me too.

i just didn't make the call.
the call that i was supposed to make at 3am and tell her i was seeing a girl i never saw before, and i might end up falling for this girl that night.

the call that the next day, instead of making to Jenny, i blogged about the something that happened right before my eyes that was important to me, i guess it was more important to explain what had happened to me in my eyes, and take the punishment, than to call and awkwardly stiffle out excuses and stuff that wasn't honest.

because if i would have told jenny on the phone i just met someone who, in one day i felt i connected more with than weeks knowing her....
would she believe? wouldn't she feel worse? but it was pure chance i connected with her more, she shouldn't feel bad at all.
you get the idea.

she found out about it a day before? nay. hours before i met her at green tea terrace. its my fault i couldn't keep her from reading it before i told her in person, i guess.

no doubt i'm a jerk to her, no doubt i'm thoughtless to her, but i think thats where the insults should end. it was only 2 dates. it was only a month of knowing her. and we're still going to try and be friends, if she wants. you all should know what a good friend jenny is, and comfort her, and help her, rather than try to insult me

it might make her feel better telling her i was a jerk, but you know what, i already said it.
fucktard is pretty strong a word, pretty cool too, and if it makes her feel better, than i'm a fucktard.

bottom line is, we both lost time for what i realized and did that night.
she had just as much invested in that time as me. maybe more. and i'm sorry.

realize the friend Jenny is to you, and losing that friend i could have made was what i was gambling on, for the chance to love someone

does that give any indication how strongly i felt towards this girl?

i realize what i did, and this is my apology to Jennifer. I'm sorry. and sorry doesn't even cut it. so sorry, very sorry, extremely sorry.
words online don't do justice, but i hurt you from words online, things i did in person
i apologized to you in person already, and here's my online words of apology.

its online, and its secret thoughts, big whoop.
its words and feelings and bashing and hate. will it end please? can we end it? can we, as an online community put an end to online drama?
if you people read this, what more do you want?
talk to jenny in person to find out about me, or talk to me. don't just read my blog and hate.
will you all just please leave my name alone? please.