Ok, as you all know, the breakup with my girlfriend has left me a bit...... different. Don't mean to scare ya'll, about the insomnia and the pills and the almost dying, but I am ok now. Wait! Before you think I'm crazy and leave my website, hear me out! It helps talking about it, even though nobody will talk about it with me, because none of you knew her as I did, I understand that now. When you have nobody who you can talk to about it puts all the burden on you, and I've been dealing with burdens all my life, so this magnified my heavy load. Thank you David, thank you Jabbar, and thanks Jeff for the help, I might be needing your help in the future, I only hope I can repay the favor. We'll get back to this. For now, I understand that it is only I who can bring myself out of this stupor that was unveiled in the last past weeks. I see a pattern in the whole thing. The person who I spent almost the last 2 years of my life with, who I cared for more than any other, was who I was losing touch with. It's bitter, it's sad, its my life, you're welcome to a slice. The pattern starting from the moment I left her at her door was such: sadness-hope-sadness-hope-shock-comedy?-disbelief-denial-anger-longing-sadness-hope- and now we come to the current state: sadness-hope, just kidding! Indifference, I look at her now differently, that is for sure, but I don't hate her just because she found someone else. I mean, we DID break up, and, it WAS going to happen eventually. Its just the time and manner in which the events transpired. I write this as a facet to get rid of the anger, the hope, the denial, the longing, and even the sadness goes too. The time and manner was something like, I called her on the phone, to discuss happier events going on and maybe patch up our friendship, but as soon as we began to talk about what she did last weekend, to pass the conversation along, of course, well no sooner had we done that, had she come out with this announcing of another guy. She says nothing happened and such, but I guess thats not what really concerned me. Its the fact she tossed me out like old garbage, without a care. Like two years meant nothing. Maybe I took offence too quickly. Anyway, Now theres a new bag in town. I will call him other dude. I know nothing of other dude, but I don't want to, I don't like competing with a shadow, and I don't want to lurk in the shadows like one of those rascally confounded ninjas that stab you in the back. I don't want to call her even as a friend, wouldn't it ruin things for other dude? I'm a samurai, I will take my loss with honor and move on, pride hurt and all. Other dude, I say this to you, watch this woman, she's crafty. haha. As you can see I'm not bitter or mad or anything anymore, I forgave her, and it surely wasn't the other dude's fault, so we can chalk this one up to something else. From what I gather I was missing key elements of my persona, I don't know, affected by her caring heart, I became tame and mellow. Thus, she probably got bored, figured I wasn't going anywhere, and moved on. Fawk! My bad, now its time for a change, I don't want it to happen again. So, next girl, I'm bettering myself for you. Other dude and next girl, hey why can't they just get together and let me try and work things out with "her", hate to lose the 1year 8 months, hate to lose the mutual friend understanding we had. I have really picked myself up, I don't think I ever would have done this, something I need to do badly, without the break-up. Sad it took that, but they say whatever doesn't kill you blah blah blah stronger. Indeed I was almost killed. So imagine the strength I must have now. I needed an outlet, I wish I knew a fancy french word to call an outlet. My skills have deteriorated and changed. However, new skills have been obtained. For instance, I'm starting my own music CD, trying to get our band signed, maybe get back into DJing, breakdancing. Writing, ah what a thing. I was told I was good at it, by someone who doesn't say much at all, so I shall take it and use it. My hidden unwanted talent. I shall turn it into gold. Spin straw into gold. Like rumple foreskin, i mean, rumple stilskein. Sounds jewish. Ah but I ramble!
Ok now back to the pills. I had trouble sleeping, for various reasons, before the break-up, and the break-up didn't help after, so I found myself finding some dramamine in the local save-on and took it..... unfortunately with increased dosages. About a week later I had taken half the bottle and nearly half a bottle of tylenol PM. Still was up, because add in the fact the stress of a new apartment and a new job. One night, I took too much. I woke up twitching and convulsing. I thought I was going to die. No more dramamine for me, needless to say, and my friends helped pull me back together. I ended up condensing my life into 4 pages into my school 5 subject notebook because I thought I should make peace with God before I die. My ex never believed in God. I shall refer to my ex as my ex, forever more, I dare not say her name, for she is no longer that person. I shall change my name to Lucas and write blogs forevermore. Ah bullshit. Issues with my ex still unresolved, maybe they should stay that way, bottom line. I shall talk of her again in some reminicing blog i suppose. So this thing, this 4 pages of me making peace with the world, how a man acts when he thinks he knows he's gonna die, I thought, wow, it would make a great play.....


As long as I've being doing things unlike me, there should be a "things like me" blog later too.
Ah, one less monkey off my back. Now I have to worry about my bio homework and shiznit, thanks for reading, come back again for more mayhaps and misadventures!