for some reason I had a dream in the middle of the day today.

it was like i was in an alternate reality. one where i still lived in palmdale, california, with my mother. in the desert, we made improvements to our house and i shot her lover with a flaming arrow and he was incinarated immediately. we had a nice house and a nice backyard but i was more miserable than ever. i was brought up spoiled with no hardships that i have been through in this reality.

it was strange, like i was really able to touch things and feel, very unlike a real dream, like in fact i had gone in a portal to another world.

one thing though, in my dream i cried, because my mom was lonely, i didn't approve of anyone, and nobody she chose liked me. she left me on the backyard playset, it was blue and made up of bars. there were a sea of them, i could see the great expanse of them across the whole desert. and then i realized i wasn't unique, i was just like everyone else who had grown up in that area. spoiled, lonely, unhappy.

in the dream i had never lived outside palmdale. i had a very narrow mind.

dreams like that remind me of how real the situation is here.

but even tho its real here, i take things pretty light.

would it be so bad if we died? if one day we just did not wake up?

maybe we would just slip into that alternate reality, like that old show "quantum leap".

i'm just saying. there may be times when you feel like giving up. like you screwed up, in, on, and of your life. all is not lost, and things can get better. it may sound like a self help tape but you do have the power to change things, thats what great about this mortal life. at any point things can get better, or worse, depending on the choices you make.

you can have the worst day, but if you go out and blow something up i bet you'll come home happy.

or by blow something up i just mean do something totally wierd, that will change your life.

guess what, it probably will.

you could do something bad, you could do something good. volunteer for something, save someone's life, they could come back and give you a million dollars.

the cool thing about life is that its totally random at times. :)
you just have to get to that point.

you can't depend on ANYONE to make you feel different.

people are just a distraction. a distraction from whatever goal you have in life. sometimes distractions are healthy, sometimes they are fun. you need distractions. you need people.

you just don't need a bullet in your head.