fuck work. it's tiring.
i dropped my chem class. i can't hang with keeping up with all the little things to do.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
life is a trip.
grace has her phone back now and we talked.
but i think i have got things squared away.
except for one thing. when i went to the dorms to go surprise and say hi to laura, i saw her in the lounge with "danny".
funny, i thought the lounge was our thing. oh well.
i learned that even though she has come a long way, laura is still just like how i first met her, depending on guys for an emotional outlet.
i hope she's not ho'ing herself out and that she actually likes the guy, even tho i have never heard of him before.
it makes me sad to think that of a girl i actually still care for. if only she would see the slideshow i made for her.... it has some of my true feelings in there.
grace has her phone back now and we talked.
but i think i have got things squared away.
except for one thing. when i went to the dorms to go surprise and say hi to laura, i saw her in the lounge with "danny".
funny, i thought the lounge was our thing. oh well.
i learned that even though she has come a long way, laura is still just like how i first met her, depending on guys for an emotional outlet.
i hope she's not ho'ing herself out and that she actually likes the guy, even tho i have never heard of him before.
it makes me sad to think that of a girl i actually still care for. if only she would see the slideshow i made for her.... it has some of my true feelings in there.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
please keep in mind that i know that i don't know everything.
these thought are just my opinions.
i talk a lot and spew great monologues to an seemingly empty phone reciever.
when i should say nothing.
i really should say nothing.
because theres nothing else i want, but your company, and to see you happy again.
i can't say i missed you monday, but i really did.
that in itself is saying too much. i should go.
these thought are just my opinions.
i talk a lot and spew great monologues to an seemingly empty phone reciever.
when i should say nothing.
i really should say nothing.
because theres nothing else i want, but your company, and to see you happy again.
i can't say i missed you monday, but i really did.
that in itself is saying too much. i should go.
Its my own fault for being lonely. The fault is my own.
I will never be anything until I break away from me.
Subtlety is wasted on the belligerent.
i'll just run on all my thoughts and worries, maybe they will go away.
i have no calculator too much bread too much dough too much bologna and too much woe
too much ramen too much hey man too much whoa man
i have called her and our subtle hints are confusing
i know what she wants and i know what i want but i can't say why don't we eat something together
i can only say its a good thing she's hungry
i called to say hi and if there was gonna be hanging out tonight i'd call her again
i didn't call to non-explode and have her call me back 2 times
i think it would be a good thing to lock myself in for a couple days
its obvious i'm being used and she does well without me
i need to think this over some more
like the time before
lol, like the lost lenore
i think she's a bore right now
sometimes
do i?
am i a man whore?
she doesn't want nice things or nice times with me
because she doesn't want me
the time i spent trying to please and make her feel better is nothing because she wants to be ignored
i guess i'll wait again.
fuck busy people i can pretend i'm busy too
fuck the friends who were there for you
fuck the lotto and the dog
fuck the pizza and the jog
fuck the drive and the job
fuck the candles fuck the cops
my neighbors argue all the time
a major fuck goes to all those awkward moments i've had with people
i think i figured it out.
about her.
she goes to many things but she never plans anything herself.
she never comes up with anything.
it always has to be planned for her. maybe with her.
the last thing i remember she planned was a party in her house with alchohol. thats all there was. even that i think she planned with people, and didn't come up with on her own.
told u i was mean. but its the truth, isn't it?
the truth is you couldn't really even figure out a way to get back at your ex either, you had to ask people about that one too.
thats why she is boring to me.
no imagination.
and i have no drive.
i'd do anything for her, but the truth is,
if we were a car, we would be a sedan without an engine.
i don't see any way for me to get more excited than i am. my drive is proportional to whats driving me. all the compliments in the world can't help get past that.
i would assume the other way holds true. compliments to her only get me so far.
for me, to get past the compliments phase, i need someone to hold my hand all the way through.
for her, i don't know what gets past compliments. or maybe i do. drive.
so theres a stagnant circle here.
i can't create drive without someone holding my hand. or at least putting a hand on my shoulder.
well, i can, but i just need a looooooooooooooooooooot of time for my procrastination and laziness to wear off.
and she can't give that hand on my shoulder until i produce the drive to produce the thing.
about the imagination, you say you'd be the type to go meet someone on the street on a dare, but would you be the one who would come up with the idea? nope.
balls. i have some. even if i don't have a spine.
balls! used here as a vulgar exclamation, cuz i didn't want to say fuck again.
I will never be anything until I break away from me.
Subtlety is wasted on the belligerent.
i'll just run on all my thoughts and worries, maybe they will go away.
i have no calculator too much bread too much dough too much bologna and too much woe
too much ramen too much hey man too much whoa man
i have called her and our subtle hints are confusing
i know what she wants and i know what i want but i can't say why don't we eat something together
i can only say its a good thing she's hungry
i called to say hi and if there was gonna be hanging out tonight i'd call her again
i didn't call to non-explode and have her call me back 2 times
i think it would be a good thing to lock myself in for a couple days
its obvious i'm being used and she does well without me
i need to think this over some more
like the time before
lol, like the lost lenore
i think she's a bore right now
sometimes
do i?
am i a man whore?
she doesn't want nice things or nice times with me
because she doesn't want me
the time i spent trying to please and make her feel better is nothing because she wants to be ignored
i guess i'll wait again.
fuck busy people i can pretend i'm busy too
fuck the friends who were there for you
fuck the lotto and the dog
fuck the pizza and the jog
fuck the drive and the job
fuck the candles fuck the cops
my neighbors argue all the time
a major fuck goes to all those awkward moments i've had with people
i think i figured it out.
about her.
she goes to many things but she never plans anything herself.
she never comes up with anything.
it always has to be planned for her. maybe with her.
the last thing i remember she planned was a party in her house with alchohol. thats all there was. even that i think she planned with people, and didn't come up with on her own.
told u i was mean. but its the truth, isn't it?
the truth is you couldn't really even figure out a way to get back at your ex either, you had to ask people about that one too.
thats why she is boring to me.
no imagination.
and i have no drive.
i'd do anything for her, but the truth is,
if we were a car, we would be a sedan without an engine.
i don't see any way for me to get more excited than i am. my drive is proportional to whats driving me. all the compliments in the world can't help get past that.
i would assume the other way holds true. compliments to her only get me so far.
for me, to get past the compliments phase, i need someone to hold my hand all the way through.
for her, i don't know what gets past compliments. or maybe i do. drive.
so theres a stagnant circle here.
i can't create drive without someone holding my hand. or at least putting a hand on my shoulder.
well, i can, but i just need a looooooooooooooooooooot of time for my procrastination and laziness to wear off.
and she can't give that hand on my shoulder until i produce the drive to produce the thing.
about the imagination, you say you'd be the type to go meet someone on the street on a dare, but would you be the one who would come up with the idea? nope.
balls. i have some. even if i don't have a spine.
balls! used here as a vulgar exclamation, cuz i didn't want to say fuck again.
Monday, September 27, 2004
for some reason I had a dream in the middle of the day today.
it was like i was in an alternate reality. one where i still lived in palmdale, california, with my mother. in the desert, we made improvements to our house and i shot her lover with a flaming arrow and he was incinarated immediately. we had a nice house and a nice backyard but i was more miserable than ever. i was brought up spoiled with no hardships that i have been through in this reality.
it was strange, like i was really able to touch things and feel, very unlike a real dream, like in fact i had gone in a portal to another world.
one thing though, in my dream i cried, because my mom was lonely, i didn't approve of anyone, and nobody she chose liked me. she left me on the backyard playset, it was blue and made up of bars. there were a sea of them, i could see the great expanse of them across the whole desert. and then i realized i wasn't unique, i was just like everyone else who had grown up in that area. spoiled, lonely, unhappy.
in the dream i had never lived outside palmdale. i had a very narrow mind.
dreams like that remind me of how real the situation is here.
but even tho its real here, i take things pretty light.
would it be so bad if we died? if one day we just did not wake up?
maybe we would just slip into that alternate reality, like that old show "quantum leap".
i'm just saying. there may be times when you feel like giving up. like you screwed up, in, on, and of your life. all is not lost, and things can get better. it may sound like a self help tape but you do have the power to change things, thats what great about this mortal life. at any point things can get better, or worse, depending on the choices you make.
you can have the worst day, but if you go out and blow something up i bet you'll come home happy.
or by blow something up i just mean do something totally wierd, that will change your life.
guess what, it probably will.
you could do something bad, you could do something good. volunteer for something, save someone's life, they could come back and give you a million dollars.
the cool thing about life is that its totally random at times. :)
you just have to get to that point.
you can't depend on ANYONE to make you feel different.
people are just a distraction. a distraction from whatever goal you have in life. sometimes distractions are healthy, sometimes they are fun. you need distractions. you need people.
you just don't need a bullet in your head.
it was like i was in an alternate reality. one where i still lived in palmdale, california, with my mother. in the desert, we made improvements to our house and i shot her lover with a flaming arrow and he was incinarated immediately. we had a nice house and a nice backyard but i was more miserable than ever. i was brought up spoiled with no hardships that i have been through in this reality.
it was strange, like i was really able to touch things and feel, very unlike a real dream, like in fact i had gone in a portal to another world.
one thing though, in my dream i cried, because my mom was lonely, i didn't approve of anyone, and nobody she chose liked me. she left me on the backyard playset, it was blue and made up of bars. there were a sea of them, i could see the great expanse of them across the whole desert. and then i realized i wasn't unique, i was just like everyone else who had grown up in that area. spoiled, lonely, unhappy.
in the dream i had never lived outside palmdale. i had a very narrow mind.
dreams like that remind me of how real the situation is here.
but even tho its real here, i take things pretty light.
would it be so bad if we died? if one day we just did not wake up?
maybe we would just slip into that alternate reality, like that old show "quantum leap".
i'm just saying. there may be times when you feel like giving up. like you screwed up, in, on, and of your life. all is not lost, and things can get better. it may sound like a self help tape but you do have the power to change things, thats what great about this mortal life. at any point things can get better, or worse, depending on the choices you make.
you can have the worst day, but if you go out and blow something up i bet you'll come home happy.
or by blow something up i just mean do something totally wierd, that will change your life.
guess what, it probably will.
you could do something bad, you could do something good. volunteer for something, save someone's life, they could come back and give you a million dollars.
the cool thing about life is that its totally random at times. :)
you just have to get to that point.
you can't depend on ANYONE to make you feel different.
people are just a distraction. a distraction from whatever goal you have in life. sometimes distractions are healthy, sometimes they are fun. you need distractions. you need people.
you just don't need a bullet in your head.
Went to chinatown today. chow fun and fun chow. so many things to buy. purchased 3 bracelets for 5 bucks, i think they are unisex bracelets.
can you ask more from someone than whats given?
I have a new theory on life. Its the pamphlet theory.
I have a new classification of people. The poked and re-poked hermit crab.
i don't want to get into them right now, i have a brain ache.
can you ask more from someone than whats given?
I have a new theory on life. Its the pamphlet theory.
I have a new classification of people. The poked and re-poked hermit crab.
i don't want to get into them right now, i have a brain ache.
Friday, September 24, 2004
I have avid readers, but how do I know what they want?
A certain one has a penchant for my writing, but I don't have the chant for my pen to nerve.
The nerve I have doesn't have the desire it deserves. I've waited this long, but I still long for what I want. What could be rightly mine is rightly wrong. The wrongs I right aren't as good as the wrongs I write.
A samurai can not be spineless. This will not do. So what I will do is treat you to not being treated. I should not fall for teated treats and pleated seats.
iow, i'll push you away, all you need to do is pull me, and i'll come back.
when you're ready, we'll be ready, and you won't be hurt.
Like i said, I can sweet, and I can be curt.
A certain one has a penchant for my writing, but I don't have the chant for my pen to nerve.
The nerve I have doesn't have the desire it deserves. I've waited this long, but I still long for what I want. What could be rightly mine is rightly wrong. The wrongs I right aren't as good as the wrongs I write.
A samurai can not be spineless. This will not do. So what I will do is treat you to not being treated. I should not fall for teated treats and pleated seats.
iow, i'll push you away, all you need to do is pull me, and i'll come back.
when you're ready, we'll be ready, and you won't be hurt.
Like i said, I can sweet, and I can be curt.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
How devilish I am!
What oh! What a glorious moment since my last post 5 minutes ago!
Let me explain...
I go to take a break from class, don't know what I want from the vending machine yet....
As I walk, I pass a young lady sitting outside a classroom on the stairs, intensly studying for what obviously was an anatomy exam. I peeked inside the room and saw the professor was getting ready for the exam, organizing his papers and writing on the board when the test will start.
For a brief instant, a mere half a second, I pass by cruising to my snack, and I block the halogen light the lady needed to study by. For that brief moment, I knew I had power over her. Blocking the light, I knew she couldn't study, I knew I had the power to either make her fail and ruin her semester, or I could also allow her to continue on cramming. I laughed hard at (or was it, with?) my inner demon that had pointed that out to me with his pitchfork a few seconds later.
However the adventure did not stop there. No, oh no. I truly have adventures by myself all the time, if you were there I would not have these thoughtful times.
I got to the food machine. No sooner had I pulled out my wallet than an old soul walked up to me, asking if I had change for a five. I said "Hold on a second," I looked in my wallet. There were exactly 5 singles. "I do, but then I won't be able to get what I want if I take your five," I said with a challenging glare. The old soul knew that neither of us wanted a pocket full of quaters as change from the five dollar bill. While I was thinking choco-taco or turkey and swiss sandwich (man, they have everything at those machines nowadays!) she rummaged. She was still rummaging and strolling around when I purchased my sandwich and left, saying sorry to the old soul. She yelled back after what appeared to be a breakthrough thought, "Its ok, I'll just get my mountain dew at the cafeteria!"
Mountain dew! Blast! Thats all she wanted! i thought she wanted something expensive like me! How beyond lame I was! The simple solution was to of course buy the sandwich and the stupid soda for her. Alas, A lesson was learned. Ask what an old soul wants, before walking away guilty.
One more story.
After opening my sandwich, walking back, I had yet again the chance to ruin the young lady's study for anatomy. I didn't ruin it for a half-second, I gallantly walked to the side of the light, I think she noticed and smiled. As I walked, I noticed that some of the mayonaise that came with it was still on my hand, from the instinctual del taco habit I had tried, and failed. The mayonaise looked a lot like snot on my hand, and I looked at it. That was the real reason the young lady smiled, not because of my gallant light-evasion. What an evil thought she had. One last moral, lol. One evil thought deserves another.
What oh! What a glorious moment since my last post 5 minutes ago!
Let me explain...
I go to take a break from class, don't know what I want from the vending machine yet....
As I walk, I pass a young lady sitting outside a classroom on the stairs, intensly studying for what obviously was an anatomy exam. I peeked inside the room and saw the professor was getting ready for the exam, organizing his papers and writing on the board when the test will start.
For a brief instant, a mere half a second, I pass by cruising to my snack, and I block the halogen light the lady needed to study by. For that brief moment, I knew I had power over her. Blocking the light, I knew she couldn't study, I knew I had the power to either make her fail and ruin her semester, or I could also allow her to continue on cramming. I laughed hard at (or was it, with?) my inner demon that had pointed that out to me with his pitchfork a few seconds later.
However the adventure did not stop there. No, oh no. I truly have adventures by myself all the time, if you were there I would not have these thoughtful times.
I got to the food machine. No sooner had I pulled out my wallet than an old soul walked up to me, asking if I had change for a five. I said "Hold on a second," I looked in my wallet. There were exactly 5 singles. "I do, but then I won't be able to get what I want if I take your five," I said with a challenging glare. The old soul knew that neither of us wanted a pocket full of quaters as change from the five dollar bill. While I was thinking choco-taco or turkey and swiss sandwich (man, they have everything at those machines nowadays!) she rummaged. She was still rummaging and strolling around when I purchased my sandwich and left, saying sorry to the old soul. She yelled back after what appeared to be a breakthrough thought, "Its ok, I'll just get my mountain dew at the cafeteria!"
Mountain dew! Blast! Thats all she wanted! i thought she wanted something expensive like me! How beyond lame I was! The simple solution was to of course buy the sandwich and the stupid soda for her. Alas, A lesson was learned. Ask what an old soul wants, before walking away guilty.
One more story.
After opening my sandwich, walking back, I had yet again the chance to ruin the young lady's study for anatomy. I didn't ruin it for a half-second, I gallantly walked to the side of the light, I think she noticed and smiled. As I walked, I noticed that some of the mayonaise that came with it was still on my hand, from the instinctual del taco habit I had tried, and failed. The mayonaise looked a lot like snot on my hand, and I looked at it. That was the real reason the young lady smiled, not because of my gallant light-evasion. What an evil thought she had. One last moral, lol. One evil thought deserves another.
Monday, September 20, 2004
So let me slip away.
Up the corners of your lips.
Part them and feel my finger tips.
Trace the moment, fall forever
Like slow spinning redemption.
Winding in and winding out.
The shine of it has caught my eye.
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right
i swear I'm right
i swear I knew it all along
i am captivated.
i am vindicated.
---yeah,, ah DURRRRRR i wonder WTF i am listening to right now?? let me get the cutesy cheesy picture of the cd and post it right here...... ON MY ASS
sorry, a bite at the "What's Playing" Xanga'ers
--No i'm not spider man, just you're friendly neighborhood lukester
lukester, is that like napster? man that guy made a bunch, and is gonna make a bunch again. damn young intuitionists
i am an intuitionist
i should say a word about someone.
but theres just things i wonder.
things that echo.
things that are wierd.
things that are mistakes, and things that aren't.
things that are comfortable.
things that will never work.
things that ask why.
things that cry.
things that should eat.
things that i worry about.
things that i've done without.
things i've learned to grow cold to.
things i never outgrew.
things that are confused.
things that are hurt.
things that will mend.
things that i cherish.
things i defend.
so let me slip away.
into this candle.
that is melting the wax,
that falls on the termite,
that is choking on the splinter.
Up the corners of your lips.
Part them and feel my finger tips.
Trace the moment, fall forever
Like slow spinning redemption.
Winding in and winding out.
The shine of it has caught my eye.
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right
i swear I'm right
i swear I knew it all along
i am captivated.
i am vindicated.
---yeah,, ah DURRRRRR i wonder WTF i am listening to right now?? let me get the cutesy cheesy picture of the cd and post it right here...... ON MY ASS
sorry, a bite at the "What's Playing" Xanga'ers
--No i'm not spider man, just you're friendly neighborhood lukester
lukester, is that like napster? man that guy made a bunch, and is gonna make a bunch again. damn young intuitionists
i am an intuitionist
i should say a word about someone.
but theres just things i wonder.
things that echo.
things that are wierd.
things that are mistakes, and things that aren't.
things that are comfortable.
things that will never work.
things that ask why.
things that cry.
things that should eat.
things that i worry about.
things that i've done without.
things i've learned to grow cold to.
things i never outgrew.
things that are confused.
things that are hurt.
things that will mend.
things that i cherish.
things i defend.
so let me slip away.
into this candle.
that is melting the wax,
that falls on the termite,
that is choking on the splinter.
Thank you blogger for once again ruining my beau post.
i'l start over this time with more
condensed thoughts.
spilled milk. spoiled time.
It was an adventure. Not fun, not crazy, but not definitely not boring.
Got stranded at the beach. You have never felt lonely if you haven't stared at a sunset by yourself. (It has happened to me twice.)
And you have never felt so hungry.
Ask yourself a question. You haven't ate anything all day, its 10 pm. You are in a gas station convienence store with 20 bucks that will buy you the world in there. What do you buy? What do you buy?
For me the answer was: nachos and orange juice. extra cheese.
I wish my foresight was as good as my hindsight in telling me that nachos and the beach wasn't a good idea. Wind, sand, and nachos do not make good bedfellows.
When half of my nachos were donated to the ocean and its furious windy slut companion, I decided to head back to the gas station. A bagel better suited the breeze.
what an odd last sentence, i bet i will never read those words combined ever again
A bum was going to kill me for fifty-cents, and i'm not talking about the doof rapper. We argued on pay-phone rights.
I met many people who were having bonfires that i was supposed to be enjoying with other people. How i wish i could have tossed myself into their fire's appealing appendages.
I got lost, and ended up 5 miles from where I parked.
I got home and the phone rang. Prompting another adventure itself.
That was only where the story ended. There's an epilogue, and the begining was just as adventurous, but I'm too lazy to type again.
i'l start over this time with more
condensed thoughts.
spilled milk. spoiled time.
It was an adventure. Not fun, not crazy, but not definitely not boring.
Got stranded at the beach. You have never felt lonely if you haven't stared at a sunset by yourself. (It has happened to me twice.)
And you have never felt so hungry.
Ask yourself a question. You haven't ate anything all day, its 10 pm. You are in a gas station convienence store with 20 bucks that will buy you the world in there. What do you buy? What do you buy?
For me the answer was: nachos and orange juice. extra cheese.
I wish my foresight was as good as my hindsight in telling me that nachos and the beach wasn't a good idea. Wind, sand, and nachos do not make good bedfellows.
When half of my nachos were donated to the ocean and its furious windy slut companion, I decided to head back to the gas station. A bagel better suited the breeze.
what an odd last sentence, i bet i will never read those words combined ever again
A bum was going to kill me for fifty-cents, and i'm not talking about the doof rapper. We argued on pay-phone rights.
I met many people who were having bonfires that i was supposed to be enjoying with other people. How i wish i could have tossed myself into their fire's appealing appendages.
I got lost, and ended up 5 miles from where I parked.
I got home and the phone rang. Prompting another adventure itself.
That was only where the story ended. There's an epilogue, and the begining was just as adventurous, but I'm too lazy to type again.
Friday, September 17, 2004
A word or two on guys. (ad nausea: love)
At this point in my life. I notice a lot I do has to do with girls. Not everything, but a lot. If I pick a seat in class, I pick the seat thats next to a pretty girl. If I buy clothes, I buy clothes that will attract a pretty girl. Even if I eat a meal, I order something that is less likely to make me fat, so I can still get pretty girls.
The universe pretty much revolves around you, you pretty girls. Until I find one that will satisfy both lust, love, and lonesomeness.
When I love myself, I treat myself, and its like girls don't matter. I'll order the most fattening fast food, and play video games till 3 am. I'll wear a mustard stained t-shirt with a cd burning software logo. This is usually when I hang out with the guys.
Between these fits of lust for girls and love for myself, these is a balance. This is my outwardmost view, and what I put to everyone who knows me well. It keeps me niether skinny nor fat.
The guys, I notice, vary their actions based on experience, drive, and age. Age I think is the most key factor. Age can determine confidence, and the other two factors, experience and drive. How much sexual drive a guy has depends on confidence, and confidence depends on experience. So essentially all these things are entwined in a sort of lustful web.
If a guy gets caught in this web, more than likely he'll get stuck for quite a while, before getting out.
There are good guys and bad guys. But you don't have to look out for the bad guys. You have to look out for the guys that are in the grey area between good and bad. You see, bad guys are just that, so heinous you can tell right off the bat; most girls will stay clear of bad guys automatically. It is these men who are actually quite bad, but view themselves as doing an ok thing, that you must be wary of. They will slap you in the face and think an apology and a rose will reset it.
They will undoubteddly cheat, and cheat to the point where they see no difference between good and bad. The most dangerous and convincing con-artist can even fool himself.
I tend to think I am a good guy. I wear lighter toned clothes to symbolize this. So called "bad boys" will like black. I like white, a prerequisite of purity and innocence, even though I have lost mine years ago. In fact, you will always see me wear white, khaki, or blue.
White, pure of heart.
Blue, deep and vast.
Khaki, a working man's color.
That's pretty much who I am. Although I do wear black sometimes, I don't feel right wearing it.
Once a cheater, always a cheater, remember that. Forgiveness from me comes less swift than ever for a girl that would lose my trust.
So a message to any girl who has found themselves with or had found themselves with a cheater:
Here stands a good man. They exist. Do not give up hope on the male species. Not all are dogs. All do have a dog's basic animal instinct though. Through refinement of character and will we suppress this to become a civilized being. We can interact and have a wholehearted conversation, just catch us when we aren't being fed, being walked, or licking ourselves.
You don't have to neuter us. No need to save our semen in banks for the day we don't exist. No need to cut off genitalia or have the motive to be angered to thus an action.
I don't know if this was a defense or speculation or explanation of myself. I just know that there are a few problems with women and their respective partners right now. I'm just generalizing the point that you must hate the person, not the gender.
Hate the person, not the race. Hate the baker, not the bread. Hate the dealer, not the addict.
Hate is a word that goes with pain, although I can never feel your pain, believe that I hate many things, including the same things you hate. I hate the way people are treated sometimes. I hate the people that treat the people the way they do. Hell, I even hate myself sometimes.
I won't say what the future holds. But if its one of these 3 things: revenge, remorse, or realization, then there was probably love. Love is not always lost. It changes hands sometimes. Remember tha every time you love, your heart is divvied into another piece, and afterward it should become equal to the other pieces. If it doesn't, something is unsatisfied.
If something is unsatisfied, then satisfy it. That is a key to being happy.
At this point in my life. I notice a lot I do has to do with girls. Not everything, but a lot. If I pick a seat in class, I pick the seat thats next to a pretty girl. If I buy clothes, I buy clothes that will attract a pretty girl. Even if I eat a meal, I order something that is less likely to make me fat, so I can still get pretty girls.
The universe pretty much revolves around you, you pretty girls. Until I find one that will satisfy both lust, love, and lonesomeness.
When I love myself, I treat myself, and its like girls don't matter. I'll order the most fattening fast food, and play video games till 3 am. I'll wear a mustard stained t-shirt with a cd burning software logo. This is usually when I hang out with the guys.
Between these fits of lust for girls and love for myself, these is a balance. This is my outwardmost view, and what I put to everyone who knows me well. It keeps me niether skinny nor fat.
The guys, I notice, vary their actions based on experience, drive, and age. Age I think is the most key factor. Age can determine confidence, and the other two factors, experience and drive. How much sexual drive a guy has depends on confidence, and confidence depends on experience. So essentially all these things are entwined in a sort of lustful web.
If a guy gets caught in this web, more than likely he'll get stuck for quite a while, before getting out.
There are good guys and bad guys. But you don't have to look out for the bad guys. You have to look out for the guys that are in the grey area between good and bad. You see, bad guys are just that, so heinous you can tell right off the bat; most girls will stay clear of bad guys automatically. It is these men who are actually quite bad, but view themselves as doing an ok thing, that you must be wary of. They will slap you in the face and think an apology and a rose will reset it.
They will undoubteddly cheat, and cheat to the point where they see no difference between good and bad. The most dangerous and convincing con-artist can even fool himself.
I tend to think I am a good guy. I wear lighter toned clothes to symbolize this. So called "bad boys" will like black. I like white, a prerequisite of purity and innocence, even though I have lost mine years ago. In fact, you will always see me wear white, khaki, or blue.
White, pure of heart.
Blue, deep and vast.
Khaki, a working man's color.
That's pretty much who I am. Although I do wear black sometimes, I don't feel right wearing it.
Once a cheater, always a cheater, remember that. Forgiveness from me comes less swift than ever for a girl that would lose my trust.
So a message to any girl who has found themselves with or had found themselves with a cheater:
Here stands a good man. They exist. Do not give up hope on the male species. Not all are dogs. All do have a dog's basic animal instinct though. Through refinement of character and will we suppress this to become a civilized being. We can interact and have a wholehearted conversation, just catch us when we aren't being fed, being walked, or licking ourselves.
You don't have to neuter us. No need to save our semen in banks for the day we don't exist. No need to cut off genitalia or have the motive to be angered to thus an action.
I don't know if this was a defense or speculation or explanation of myself. I just know that there are a few problems with women and their respective partners right now. I'm just generalizing the point that you must hate the person, not the gender.
Hate the person, not the race. Hate the baker, not the bread. Hate the dealer, not the addict.
Hate is a word that goes with pain, although I can never feel your pain, believe that I hate many things, including the same things you hate. I hate the way people are treated sometimes. I hate the people that treat the people the way they do. Hell, I even hate myself sometimes.
I won't say what the future holds. But if its one of these 3 things: revenge, remorse, or realization, then there was probably love. Love is not always lost. It changes hands sometimes. Remember tha every time you love, your heart is divvied into another piece, and afterward it should become equal to the other pieces. If it doesn't, something is unsatisfied.
If something is unsatisfied, then satisfy it. That is a key to being happy.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
452 posts and growing, like a bad erection.
juliana theory has their own myspace.
http://65.54.184.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_lang=EN&lah=1cdae2aa17e2af848d5873b330aea46b&lat=1095393614&hm___action=http%3a%2f%2fwww%2emyspace%2ecom%2fthejulianatheory
my space is like a black hole it sucks you in.
as my patience wears paper thin for school, impending work still has yet to surface farther than the drug test.
looking at the girls on myspace who like TJT, its a wonder.
things are interesting. if i stay home because i don't want to go out, someone will call me to hang out. and if i don't like a girl, she'll give me her phone number.
been on the lazy side these past few days. the dirt gets dirtier.
i bought a new necklace to replace the one that that thai girl took. it cost 3.50 at American Eagle. Originally it was supposed to be 6.50, but heaven shone on my ass.
as a final flash of brilliance, i'll leave a note that i'm going to a Jimmy Eat world concert near the end of this month. it will be with annie.
juliana theory has their own myspace.
http://65.54.184.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_lang=EN&lah=1cdae2aa17e2af848d5873b330aea46b&lat=1095393614&hm___action=http%3a%2f%2fwww%2emyspace%2ecom%2fthejulianatheory
my space is like a black hole it sucks you in.
as my patience wears paper thin for school, impending work still has yet to surface farther than the drug test.
looking at the girls on myspace who like TJT, its a wonder.
things are interesting. if i stay home because i don't want to go out, someone will call me to hang out. and if i don't like a girl, she'll give me her phone number.
been on the lazy side these past few days. the dirt gets dirtier.
i bought a new necklace to replace the one that that thai girl took. it cost 3.50 at American Eagle. Originally it was supposed to be 6.50, but heaven shone on my ass.
as a final flash of brilliance, i'll leave a note that i'm going to a Jimmy Eat world concert near the end of this month. it will be with annie.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I tried to chat with Laura online, tried. I said I haven't been writing anything nasty about her. What ended up happening is some backwash conversation and her abruptly and rudely being away.
To which I offered another ultimatum-esque idea, either we're good friends or I stop talking to her.
I strongly suggest looking at the post immediately prior to this and downloading those two things to set up the powerpoint presentation.
Its highly amateur, but it sends this message. I still care, and the past did mean something to me, even if you think otherwise.
Even if you can't put something sparkly around a girl's neck, some will shine anyway.
To which I offered another ultimatum-esque idea, either we're good friends or I stop talking to her.
I strongly suggest looking at the post immediately prior to this and downloading those two things to set up the powerpoint presentation.
Its highly amateur, but it sends this message. I still care, and the past did mean something to me, even if you think otherwise.
Even if you can't put something sparkly around a girl's neck, some will shine anyway.
Noticed a trend that I win a lot in texas hold'em. Luck, skill, and experience fuse together in a sort of inheritedly good card player that is me.
Kris Patel's birthday today. Noticed a trend that birthdays must get progressively worse as time goes on. Had to ditch a group of friends to hang out with another group. How many times this happens.
I forgot my mom's birthday again I think. It could have been the 11th. Then again, it could be the 14th, I have no idea. She never calls to remind me, or even talk to much anymore, so out of sight, out of mind.
Which is not always the case.
I made something very cheesy with my time here on earth, dare I show it?
I said to Jeff that it was only for the purpose of reminding me of her, but maybe its more.
Its simple, its meaningful, its here.
(you better act fast, that link won't be working forever)
(you only get to see this side of me once, generally)
(you have to download the 2 things in the folder to get it to work, and there is sound)
Kris Patel's birthday today. Noticed a trend that birthdays must get progressively worse as time goes on. Had to ditch a group of friends to hang out with another group. How many times this happens.
I forgot my mom's birthday again I think. It could have been the 11th. Then again, it could be the 14th, I have no idea. She never calls to remind me, or even talk to much anymore, so out of sight, out of mind.
Which is not always the case.
I made something very cheesy with my time here on earth, dare I show it?
I said to Jeff that it was only for the purpose of reminding me of her, but maybe its more.
Its simple, its meaningful, its here.
(you better act fast, that link won't be working forever)
(you only get to see this side of me once, generally)
(you have to download the 2 things in the folder to get it to work, and there is sound)
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Any-way.
Guess who came down from San Frisco? Jong, the airman himself. So he came down and we went to get pho and to the mall and stuff, I hung out with him for like 10 hours. I picked up a book at borders, it was "On Writing" by Stephen King. Read it halfway in about an hour. Am I some sort of hidden speedreader?
Later on we went to Jabbar's good bye party. Then to TGIF, then hopped to the Thai bar.
Gawd I'm nerdish without my contacts. Time to go get more. What color? Maybe blue.
Even Later still, went to Nam's friend's house, met some awesome new people.
I have a feeling me and Nam will be getting to be very good friends in the future.
I haven't done my java homework and it doesn't look like its gonna be done. Need to party hearty before I start my new worky jerky.
Guess who came down from San Frisco? Jong, the airman himself. So he came down and we went to get pho and to the mall and stuff, I hung out with him for like 10 hours. I picked up a book at borders, it was "On Writing" by Stephen King. Read it halfway in about an hour. Am I some sort of hidden speedreader?
Later on we went to Jabbar's good bye party. Then to TGIF, then hopped to the Thai bar.
Gawd I'm nerdish without my contacts. Time to go get more. What color? Maybe blue.
Even Later still, went to Nam's friend's house, met some awesome new people.
I have a feeling me and Nam will be getting to be very good friends in the future.
I haven't done my java homework and it doesn't look like its gonna be done. Need to party hearty before I start my new worky jerky.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
confirmed. roger. she has a boyfriend. over. mayday. we're going down.
Every great story paints a picture. Let me get out my fucking brush and oils.
Just kidding, writing practice here. watercolors. watercolors.
Theres a young man. He thinks a good thing won't let you pass it by. He goes to West Covina today to pee in a cup. He strays around, knowing he will never see West Covina again in life. He has adventures dodging cops because his license plates are expired. He talks to the locals. The place where his pee resides is then left; he waves goodbye and he takes the I-10 home.
There's no way you can pee in a cup without feeling just a little bit nefarious.
Things I'm thinking. I'm thinking if you get an Adios Mother Fucker, and its the first drink you get, shouldn't it be called an Ola Mother Fucker?
I'm thinking about how skilled I am at opening del taco hot sauce, an ineffectual talent, but nonetheless amusing. I open it with my teeth and right hand, with one gesture spread the sauce flawlessly in line upon the taco in my left hand.
Other hidden talents I have include writing 3000 application essays to UCLA and not turning in a single one, making exact replicas of Baskin Robbins smoothies, and increasing my tolerance to alchohol over a 5 year interim.
Every great story paints a picture. Let me get out my fucking brush and oils.
Just kidding, writing practice here. watercolors. watercolors.
Theres a young man. He thinks a good thing won't let you pass it by. He goes to West Covina today to pee in a cup. He strays around, knowing he will never see West Covina again in life. He has adventures dodging cops because his license plates are expired. He talks to the locals. The place where his pee resides is then left; he waves goodbye and he takes the I-10 home.
There's no way you can pee in a cup without feeling just a little bit nefarious.
Things I'm thinking. I'm thinking if you get an Adios Mother Fucker, and its the first drink you get, shouldn't it be called an Ola Mother Fucker?
I'm thinking about how skilled I am at opening del taco hot sauce, an ineffectual talent, but nonetheless amusing. I open it with my teeth and right hand, with one gesture spread the sauce flawlessly in line upon the taco in my left hand.
Other hidden talents I have include writing 3000 application essays to UCLA and not turning in a single one, making exact replicas of Baskin Robbins smoothies, and increasing my tolerance to alchohol over a 5 year interim.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Blasts from my ass, i mean, past.
now i know i wouldn't talk about girls but the subject demands it...
More on Cindy Dunn... One day after P.E. i was talking to Rov about the girl I always oogled at, and he said I should just be a man and ask her number. so i did. i called her once, and lost her number, like i always do. but this time, i did not get it back. if anyone out there knows cindy dunn, my high school crush, tell her sorry for me.
More on Jennifer... I remember seeing her around chatsworth. always walking with a group, always bubbly and cheerful. so opposite me.
More on Nam. coolest guy. we hanve to hang out again. and by hanging out i don't mean our boxers.
now i know i wouldn't talk about girls but the subject demands it...
More on Cindy Dunn... One day after P.E. i was talking to Rov about the girl I always oogled at, and he said I should just be a man and ask her number. so i did. i called her once, and lost her number, like i always do. but this time, i did not get it back. if anyone out there knows cindy dunn, my high school crush, tell her sorry for me.
More on Jennifer... I remember seeing her around chatsworth. always walking with a group, always bubbly and cheerful. so opposite me.
More on Nam. coolest guy. we hanve to hang out again. and by hanging out i don't mean our boxers.
Monday, September 06, 2004
What happens when.
If there were a title on my head to walk around with, it should probably be " My liver is going to turn into sludge ". It would be the title of the chapter of my book on my life about this stage in life.
Drinking is all fine and good, but simply put: too much of a good thing is bad, and too much of a bad thing is even worse.
We just don't have much to do at this point, but drink. With drunken ferver, a lush man is all we shall be. Nothing to be, nowhere to go, and crystal is my attitude.
Some new recurrances soon. You'll see me running around in nothing but my glasses, because I have run out of contact lenses. You'll see me make the drive to City of Industry to go to work at Best Buy. You'll see my life slowly sap away in the void, main void of having no free time.
Gotta get to steppin i guess.
If there were a title on my head to walk around with, it should probably be " My liver is going to turn into sludge ". It would be the title of the chapter of my book on my life about this stage in life.
Drinking is all fine and good, but simply put: too much of a good thing is bad, and too much of a bad thing is even worse.
We just don't have much to do at this point, but drink. With drunken ferver, a lush man is all we shall be. Nothing to be, nowhere to go, and crystal is my attitude.
Some new recurrances soon. You'll see me running around in nothing but my glasses, because I have run out of contact lenses. You'll see me make the drive to City of Industry to go to work at Best Buy. You'll see my life slowly sap away in the void, main void of having no free time.
Gotta get to steppin i guess.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Just breathe.
As I briskly walked up the asphalt hill, the bell tolled. I was done with class, finally. The bell tolled for me, and was tolling for me obnoxiously loud. I looked at my cell phone/watch, it offered me 9:20 pm.
It was like a bad movie that had sucked me in. My life had been sucked out. Left feeling dry, alone and tired, I stumbled to my car and fit the key into the ignition. Then that song came on, that one that made me feel better, and I thought of all the things I could do when I got home.
I didn't do anything when I got home, because the song stopped playing in my head.
Now its friday, I have very little I need to do. Another day staring at the ceiling, feeling peculiar. Could/would/and should all form together in a type of army against me.
And as I would say to Sergeant Coulda Woulda Shoulda, what do these dreams mean? He would say that I should and could figure them out for myself.
I heard a good metaphor the other day. I think it was in an Audioslave song.
"The sky was bruised"
ok more of a personification, but i can just imagine what the sky would look like if bruised.
I want to get a huge group of personfications to go see Hero with me.
As I briskly walked up the asphalt hill, the bell tolled. I was done with class, finally. The bell tolled for me, and was tolling for me obnoxiously loud. I looked at my cell phone/watch, it offered me 9:20 pm.
It was like a bad movie that had sucked me in. My life had been sucked out. Left feeling dry, alone and tired, I stumbled to my car and fit the key into the ignition. Then that song came on, that one that made me feel better, and I thought of all the things I could do when I got home.
I didn't do anything when I got home, because the song stopped playing in my head.
Now its friday, I have very little I need to do. Another day staring at the ceiling, feeling peculiar. Could/would/and should all form together in a type of army against me.
And as I would say to Sergeant Coulda Woulda Shoulda, what do these dreams mean? He would say that I should and could figure them out for myself.
I heard a good metaphor the other day. I think it was in an Audioslave song.
"The sky was bruised"
ok more of a personification, but i can just imagine what the sky would look like if bruised.
I want to get a huge group of personfications to go see Hero with me.
As i wake me up. I look at the clock and i'm an hour late to be at my Java class. So i guess i'll fuckin blog, and go to the second half of it after the break.
So more adventures with Jennifer. We go to In-N-Out for lunch yesterday, order the exact same thing. She brings me her year book from chatsworth (yes we went to the same high school), and she was a freshman who associated with such friends of mine as Huu, Nam, and she was even friends with my Chatsworth H.S. crush, Cindy Dunn.
I heard about Huu. The guy i gave all my games to when I was a kid, i'll never see those games again. Huu is dead. Car crash. His yearbook picture is creepy.
Ah yes, and Cindy Dunn. She is not dead. The girl I would see once a day at the end of P.E. and wave to, but never know her name until Rov told me. I finally got her number, called her once, then lost it. LOL. gee does that sound familiar. Like a cat scratching a blackboard thats how me writing this feels.
Speaking of girls i like, errrrrrrrrr, phone numbers, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, cute virgins. I gave my number to Jennifer today, told her to call me Saturday so I can go to her hawaiian dance thingie, they said they needed more guys. However her number was not asked, therefore fufilling my only goal with her this week: NOT TO ASK HER HER NUMBER THE FIRST WEEK OF FREEKIN SCHOOL.
omg 14 more weeks to go before i can even think about dating her.
you know how wierd it would be to go out with someone AND sit next to them in class?
her parents are the anal type that wouldn't let her go out with a group of friends unless they met all of them..... so i figured better not ask her to a group movie.
btw her favorite color as she so specifically detailed to me is "glacier blue". I guess my favorite color is blue, but i never really thought about what shade.
i'm going to stop blogging about women for a while. it makes me seem like a womanizer, but really its just whats always on my mind. blogging helps me get rid of those thoughts so i can think of other girls, ERRRRR other things, ERRRRRRRRRRR i'm not gonna dig myself out of this comment am i?
true, girls are always on my mind, when i'm single. (strategic second half of sentence)
So this might be the last blog you see for a while about Jennifer. One day she might learn about this website, and look to see what I wrote about her and the other stuff, er girls, at the time.
Finally i say that i will give Jennifer the benifit of the doubt, and maybe go out on a few group dates, but I don't think I can have someone so inexperienced and innocent anymore. She dresses very unique i should make a note. Her tops always give just that hint of her chest, and I don't think she owns anything that shows off any legs. Pants galore.There was no blue butterfly today in her hair, which dissapointed me and I had to deal with something else to hold her mane in place. I told her the meaning of black and white. I smell plutonic friendship, maybe thats just my reek of not putting on cologne.
So more adventures with Jennifer. We go to In-N-Out for lunch yesterday, order the exact same thing. She brings me her year book from chatsworth (yes we went to the same high school), and she was a freshman who associated with such friends of mine as Huu, Nam, and she was even friends with my Chatsworth H.S. crush, Cindy Dunn.
I heard about Huu. The guy i gave all my games to when I was a kid, i'll never see those games again. Huu is dead. Car crash. His yearbook picture is creepy.
Ah yes, and Cindy Dunn. She is not dead. The girl I would see once a day at the end of P.E. and wave to, but never know her name until Rov told me. I finally got her number, called her once, then lost it. LOL. gee does that sound familiar. Like a cat scratching a blackboard thats how me writing this feels.
Speaking of girls i like, errrrrrrrrr, phone numbers, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, cute virgins. I gave my number to Jennifer today, told her to call me Saturday so I can go to her hawaiian dance thingie, they said they needed more guys. However her number was not asked, therefore fufilling my only goal with her this week: NOT TO ASK HER HER NUMBER THE FIRST WEEK OF FREEKIN SCHOOL.
omg 14 more weeks to go before i can even think about dating her.
you know how wierd it would be to go out with someone AND sit next to them in class?
her parents are the anal type that wouldn't let her go out with a group of friends unless they met all of them..... so i figured better not ask her to a group movie.
btw her favorite color as she so specifically detailed to me is "glacier blue". I guess my favorite color is blue, but i never really thought about what shade.
i'm going to stop blogging about women for a while. it makes me seem like a womanizer, but really its just whats always on my mind. blogging helps me get rid of those thoughts so i can think of other girls, ERRRRR other things, ERRRRRRRRRRR i'm not gonna dig myself out of this comment am i?
true, girls are always on my mind, when i'm single. (strategic second half of sentence)
So this might be the last blog you see for a while about Jennifer. One day she might learn about this website, and look to see what I wrote about her and the other stuff, er girls, at the time.
Finally i say that i will give Jennifer the benifit of the doubt, and maybe go out on a few group dates, but I don't think I can have someone so inexperienced and innocent anymore. She dresses very unique i should make a note. Her tops always give just that hint of her chest, and I don't think she owns anything that shows off any legs. Pants galore.There was no blue butterfly today in her hair, which dissapointed me and I had to deal with something else to hold her mane in place. I told her the meaning of black and white. I smell plutonic friendship, maybe thats just my reek of not putting on cologne.
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