really good club.

she came over.

i said i was abstinant.

we had french toast.

maybe i'm in the wrong country.

just as a curiousity, i set up an account for this thai dating website. forgetting about it and coming back weeks later, i'm surprised by how many girls have wrote me:
here we go, now i know what girls are talking about when they get "ego-boosters".......................

Date 19-10-2006 14:06
Subject hi there!
Message hi there! im speechless!

Date 19-10-2006 12:27
Subject Re: hi
Message i <3 you

Date 18-10-2006 02:24
Subject hi
Message nice mix thai,white and chinese...

Date 15-10-2006 11:09
Subject Re [3]: hi
Message i'm 100% thai girl.
where do u live?

Date 14-10-2006 03:56
Subject hi
Message hello,
how are you, i hope you in good health always,i just want to know you better and be ur good freind.
thank you.

Date 12-10-2006 04:56
Subject Hi
Message Hi
Hope u doin fine as well as all the member's of ur family.
I am so impressed by ur profile when i viewed it, that i feel the urge to foward this message seeking to build a sincere & lovely friendship with ur charming personality as we are christians
It would really be joyful to hear from u soon as time allows. It would also please me to have ur
I am waiting for your favourable reply
yours,


Date 10-10-2006 07:42
Subject Re: sawaddee ka
Message Hi Luke

How are you handsome

bee

Date 09-10-2006 15:28
Subject hi
Message i'm oil. i'm thai woman.my english i not good.i'm to dare sext and attrative but i lovely woman and i sympthetic and friendly.i'm 25 years. i live bangkok in thailand. if you need know i send you my e-mail

Date 07-10-2006 07:16
Subject Thank you!!!
Nice to meet you!!
I'm sorry my English is very poor, i'm afraid you will not understand.
my yahoo is

Date 01-10-2006 12:06
Subject hi
Message

hi im 24 years old female from manila, philippines, well i used to live there in fort lauderdale in FL with my aunt and im planning to back there on december, well i hope you like an asian girl, if youre interested message me now to my YM

Date 01-10-2006 08:21
Subject hi luke
Message how are you ? you can speak Thai , really ? nice to meet you . i want to be your friend , it’s ok ?
if you want to be my freind you can contact me

recollecting my weekend:

i was sober, for the most part. i went to grace's birthday.

i feel really bad for her. she has random acquantinces spanning from high school to today that encompasses a motley yet diverse crew of grace friends. not that there is anything wrong with that, except when you are fomulating a guest list for your birthday you realize these people have never met, and if they aren't outgoing, they will be bored by themselves at your reserved table.

afterwards we went to a really swanky aqua lounge that old people used to display their lack of dance skill. it looked like one of those really hard to get into places but it turned out to be really easy to get into. beverly hills, my car wedged between two porsche carrera 4 turbos, like a piece of rat meat between two gourmet breads. a sort of BMW burger, if you would.

i was impressed to see two really good looking asian women who had to be 40-50+ but looked lower 30's. i provided grace company with my out of touch and oh-so-distant-and-rarely-updated psyche. her ex showed up (as she later pointed out, her OTHER ex, as opposed to me), i shook hands and felt like she had introduced me as the nice lampshade she had once. they walked off, i said goodbye to each and every one of her friends with a handshake and repeating their name if i could remember it, then i promptly left out of the front door. i looked back and she wasn't there as she chased me back when i left the lounge for the first time. i imagined her with her ex, if she really wants to date something with tremendous potential but doesn't really do anything in the meantime, she should go out with a stick of dynamite. as for me, i'm the sparkler thats just a bright light she doesn't want to put out or let go.

highlights of the night and consequently the weekend:

1. grace's full hug, brought feelings of another time, another galaxy. it was warm and friendly, and i didn't want to leave. her dress felt thin, her body familiar. i couldn't quite place it. then as she repeated the word FRIEND and how such a great FRIEND I was and how i was her best FRIEND, i placed it immediately. i humphrey bogarted her off me with both my hands at her hips, and determined it needed to stay in whatever galaxy it came from.

2. someone telling me i had a really easily distinquished voice, this meant leagues to me in discovering myself, i never knew. good or bad, i never want to be confused with someone else.

3. people skills. i hate the fact that i can get along with everyone. sometimes i just want to be an ass and leave.

4. take care and enjoy being 22+ gracie, i feel out of place yet so important in your life. then again, so was hitler if you think about it.

i'm thinking of being a big blue bunny for halloween? is that weird?

adventures in online dating:

i starting talking to this girl, then she (OR HE LOL) eventually sent me a link to a webcam site where i guess you pay to see girls tease you, so to get her back i thought i'd mess with her a little, hilarious:

luke : hows your holes, last thing we talked about was your holes
hotgirl alex: asl
luke : lsa
luke : ?
hotgirl alex: what is lsa
luke : what is asl?
hotgirl alex: age sex location
luke : 25, yes please, somewhere cool
hotgirl alex: where is your location
luke : my room
hotgirl alex: what country
luke : usa
luke :
hotgirl alex: cool
hotgirl alex: my pussy is so wet
luke : yes indeed
hotgirl alex: you want to see how et
luke : no wait
luke : actually i'm in japan
luke : lol
luke : do you speak japanese
hotgirl alex: nope
hotgirl alex: im an asian
hotgirl alex: philippines
luke : cools
luke : cool beans
luke : so do you like nice guys?
hotgirl alex: yes baby
hotgirl alex: you want me to do a fucking show for you
luke : hey hey
luke : no i just want to have a nice conversation with you on yahoo chat
hotgirl alex: what
luke : maybe you have another picture?
hotgirl alex: yes
luke : cool can you put it on this window
luke : hello?
luke : are you busy now? maybe we can chat another time?
BUZZ!!!
hotgirl alex: i have to go baby
hotgirl alex: you want me even im a cam girl
luke : aw
luke : sure
luke : its not like its cheating right
luke : and i probably will never see you in real life anyway right?
luke : are you gonna go show yourself?
luke : see
BUZZ!!!
luke : maganda ga po
luke : hindi kua luam
luke : indi ku alam
luke : alskdjalksjd
luke : see the thing is
luke : i'm really a rich guy
luke : and i will buy all your cams
BUZZ!!!
luke : and send you money
luke : weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

been having migranes for the last 3 days.

it must be because of my diet.

only eating one GIGANTIC meal a day. and nothing after 7. no excercize. lots of sleep.

its only in our dreams where we permit ourselves to go insane.

I struck up coversation with the guy who washes the fancy cars for the execs in our parking garage. His thick spanish accent was an effortless counter to my prodding and snarky comments. I found it funny that the reggeton-mexican music, the kind that you find in between the good channels on the radio, the kind i hated to listen to, was blasting out of a porsche cayenne.

he dipped his oven-mitt like cleaning glove in a bucket of dirty soap water as i walked over...

"hows it going"
purtee good
"why do you do this?"
what you mean?
"what kind of satisfaction do you get from this job? why do you like it?"
i listen to da myuseek, i is easy.
"so you like the job because its easy... were you born here in the USA?"
yes, my life.
"lived here all your life... you get to wash beautiful cars... i guess you can't ask for much more, do you have kids, children, sons, daughters?"
yes, many...
"do you do this so you can feed them and send them to school so they won't be where you are at your age?"
what?
"nevermind, here's a few dollars, you've never washed my car, but thank you."

this conversation played only in my mind and when i looked up again, he was still waxing, and buffing...

i walked on without giving him any money, and i went to lunch.

had a strange dream:

one of my tail lights was out and no matter what i did i couldn't fix it. every place i took it to also couldn't fix it.

is this any indication of my my life? its so boring i have "nightmares" about brake lights? or is it just my subconscious telling me i can't fix cars for shit?

whats next, i find pure fufillment in getting the most out of sqeezing every inch out of butter and cream cheese packets?

oh wait, i do.

if you haven't heard by now, i had an abortion.

well not me, but my ex did.

stupid lighthearted jokes aside, it was hidden from my mom, who was and has been living with me while my ex lived with us too.

i mention this to the people i trust, and thats few, but the reaction i get is always the same:

whats new with you?
"well, i did go through an abortion"
are you ok?

--people, i'm alright, i'm just trying to get through it the way anyone else would, move on with my life. you should be asking the poor girl. why does nobody ask me if she's alright? just because we had an abortion i'm a bad person, and i'm willing to deal with that, for the rest of my life, but imagine what she has to deal with.

i hate even bringing it up, and i'm not going to bring it up anymore. it was over a month ago, and it hurt to see someone i cared for hurt at that time, and won't be forgotten, but i don't mention it because i need sympathy.

more than anything its a judgement call from your brain to your extremities to your bank account.

more than anything i thought it would change my views now, but it hasn't. it hasn't changed my views, its changed me. and i am more than my views.

there must be something good inside of me, there must be some way out of here, there must be something more than this.

i'm done with it, i'm not mentioning it anymore, and if you bring it up you're an asshole.

deleted post about email from my work, because when i looked at it again, it was boring even for me to read.

and my blog is much more comfortable without it.

emo lyrics of the day:

If I could open up my chest, then maybe,
I could find a way to give you just a little piece of my heart
-------------
i deleted the post about my day at work because it was long winded and rubbish.
-------------
Not every movie has a happy ending
But frame by frame
I'll learn to love someday

don't know if I stated this already,

but love revolves around 3 things:

envy
malice
and attention.

as far away as you get from those things the closer to love you will be.

when i say shotgun, you say wedding.

<3 emo lyrics:

when deadbolts awake you from deja vu dreams,
at four in the morning you know where I'll be.
out running red lights asleep at the wheel.
the sirens feed my nightmares,

I just close my eyes and I'm already here;
its already too late.
I know its nothing but lies,
but they sound so sincere;
I find them too hard to hate.

and she calls from the doorway "stolen water is sweet,
so let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean"
and she calls from the doorway "stolen water is sweet,
so let's drink it in the darkness if you know what I mean"

and I'm almost sure
that I've been here before,
that this is not the first time I've stood in front of this door,
with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't go in,
but it seems this is a battle that I never could win.

and you!
my true love!
you call from the hilltop.
you call through the streets,
"Darling don't you know,
the water is poison."
and I say!
"Come on and give me my poison."

what have I done?
is it too late to save me from this place?
from the depths of the grave?
we all are those ..
who thought we were brave.
what have I done?