wow getting comments is fun. its like getting a present under the tree. every day could be fucking christmas. but i mustn't let it take over me. i must still write the same as before.

i thought i might post about another paradox in my life:

a long time ago i had a crush on this thai girl from chicago. her name was Bee. she was one of the only two girls i ever liked from there. the other one was the art student grace, who i helped move to hollywood and never heard from her again.

Bee loved Nirvana. I drove her home once, from what I can't remember, but i just remember smiling the whole night because she was sitting next to me. damning myself because i had to drive an old beat up cadillac that might have died one the way to drop her off. knowing, that would probably be the last time i saw or spoke to her.

was good friends with Bee's brother. then, after the falling out with don and moving to california, i never got to talk to her again. i really would like to.

i really disgraced myself with that whole thing. the falling out with don, my best friend. i don't know if i ever posted what happened but i might as well do it again. i still hate myself to this day. but there was really nothing i could have done, cept for leave the one i fell in love with.

don had a birthday party. this girl was there, audrey. she flirted with him, and flirted with me. don made the move. they went out. now, don was always secretive about his relationships, and even though he was a best friend to me, to me, i wasn't his best friend. so i never quite knew the status with that.

all of the sudden one day i get a call from her. we catch up. all of the sudden it turns into something like:

her:i always liked you
me:i thought you were cute
her:would you like to date me?
me:what about don
her:don't worry about it, we're over
me:ok, since how long?
her: its been a while
me: ...i don't know. ok.

and i never got around to telling him about it, because i didn't see him for like a couple weeks, and we didn't talk on the phone much anymore. it was that period of life where you transition into high school. you start to find out who you really are. you drift from your friends a bit.

so it turns out i think he considered himself still going out with her at that time. either that, or i didn't give them enough time for their break up period to be over.

either way, i pulled what today would be called an andrew-laura-jabbar.

but instead of don vowing to knock me the fuck out, he has held an animosity toward me that even today i still try to talk to him, and every time, i say i'm sorry, that i didn't know, and every time, he never speaks back. or if he does, he says get lost.

one of the worst moments in my life, i realized i unknowingly betrayed my best friend. and lost him. i made the decision when i was in thailand that summer to go back to california to live with my dad and start over; i had no more friends in chicago, they all took his side of course. only don's sister, who i went to school with and had club meetings after school with, knew me better, was nice to me, and she'll still talk to me. her name was dow. i haven't talked to her in a long time now also.

thats why to this day i swear loyalty to my friends (not to their face, you wierdo's, but in my heart), and realize true value of friendship.
thats why today i value forgiveness over anger and revenge.

thats why today i can not ever even find a way to contact Bee.

paradox.

its like when you can't get a video game back from someone because you owe them a family sized lasagna, know what i'm talking about?

i never valued audrey's friendship over don.

Don, if you're out there, hisashiburi, my friend, i'll always ask you to forgive me. if only i truly knew what was going on, it never would have happened.

To everyone else. that's what happens when the communication changes. lives get broken.

i've pulled mine back together. met great, better friends. started over. love california more than i ever did for chicago.

where the weather is cold and so are the people, that's what i say.