realized my favorite songs are about fighting for something

i used to hate pearl jam but in their latest song about "fight to get it back again" i think they nailed it.

my favorite thai song is about getting up no matter how many times you fall.

my favorite weezer song is about fighting with his father

its a little late to realize something like that in my life, but its interesting i did.

its been a while since my last post, i know. things have been crazy. real crazy. let me summarrizeeee below:

1. my first car accident in over 10 years of driving, it was her fault, she hit me from behind while i was trying to do a u turn. then she has the nerve to have a lawyer threaten to file a suit against me. my insurance had expired. i went to the hospital for a bump on my head, and i got to talking to the doctor about my frequent headaches. he prescribed a migrane headache for me and told me my headaches were not ordinary headaches, they are migranes.
2. i got a 94 bmw from a used car dealership in universal city. the engine blew up (tensioner failed, whatever that is). i had exchange plan for the car, exchanged it for a 99 honda accord, much more realiable, and a better car overall.
4. got some closure over the jeff and jenn thing. it came from jenns side. i told jeff off over AIM that i definitely am not his friend anymore. still dont know what i did. its like the whole don and audrey thing all over again.
5. Mike, the Thai one, takes place as my new best friend. but he just got married, so we hardly talk right now.
6. still trying to work things out with Jib. its very hard to have a relationship with someone you only see once a year. i don't think i have the money to see her this year...

looking back, i had created this blog as a place to vent and come to when i feel i need to describe something, but dont have anyone to describe it too. right now i guess i need to do both. i need to remind myself also that this is a tool so that i can look back at my life when i get old. hahaha.

my dumb move of the year was not cashing my last check from input 1. every job i had previous always sent the last check direct deposit. so when input one had a printed check in my lay off package i left it in there. it wan't until i was searching for old check stubs to approve financing for my new car that i found it. i'm 1400 dollars richer now than i should have been. this money goes toward saving for the store i want to open up :)

thats it for now i guess you'll see a post next year or so. jk.

these thoughts run through my head over and over:

i wake up in the morning. take a jog. come back. each lunch. all the while thinking of her. just doing stuff to pass the time. joke with my cousins. count the money in my wallet.

when the august morning brought a summer afternoon i met up with her at one of the biggest malls i've ever been in. we pretended to shop for a while. i could barely take my eyes off her.

it got dark. we went to a resturaunt. we just kept laughing and talking, and talking and laughing. she learned my favorite thai food. i learned her favorite smile.

so we sat at a bus station to get home. i don't know how many busses passed, but we never took one. we kept talking until there were no more buses. we had to take a taxi home. in that taxi i held her hand. and i kissed her. and i knew this would be our last night together for a long long time.

the next day i took and airplane home. my family was there. she was there. i couldn't kiss her because my family knew i just barely met her.

still to this day i remember that long perfect day with her. and holding her hand in the taxi knowing it would be the last time for a very very long time.

Well my birthday was 3 days ago. 2 people remembered. My mom. My dad did not.

At first my dad thought I was turning 24, I told him I was turning 28.

He never ceases to dissapoint me. From the damn creepy stonehenge things he puts in the front of the house to the old timer gas signs he puts in the back of the house. It just makes me want to leave.

My mom brought some cake. Nothing fancy. Yellow cake, lots of frosting. I think it was her kindness that made it the best cake ever.

I bought a bottle of 5 dollar wine for myself. And a lottery ticket.

I like it this way. For all the fuss over it when I was little, now it evens out.

My aunt Karen added me to facebook. It interesting to see the people from back east I knew when I was a kid. I kind of miss them sometimes, but the ignorance I had when I was a kid faded away and eventually I grew to know that I wasn't like anybody else there, and it wasn't for me. For one, my whole family is white back there in Chicago. I fit in until I looked in a mirror. I realized that at about 14 years old. For two, I was embarassed about my Mom, but that is another story for another time.

Its sad to see it come to that. And its sad I never kept in contact. Whats the use in contact when you're probably never coming back? But one day I will make them proud, or at least remember me. I figure when I become a cop and start making some decent money I'll take a vacation up there and see everyone again.

The other person who remembered my birthday? Laura. There might be some ancient posts of her on here. She is the one who said "Once the ship sets sail, you can't swim after it", or something like that, after I broke up with her and I had second thoughts a year or so later. I remember that to this day, and to this day I'm a little more careful before breaking up.

Today is my cousin Pat's birthday. I asked him what he wanted and he took a second before saying "beer". I knew he would say that but somehow I wish he didn't. Life is more simple than we make it out to be I guess.

my last message to jeff, after calling him twice and leaving a lot of IM messages for him. i have no idea what happened and i guess i never will because he just wants to be a mother fucking bitch for the rest of his life, and i've never had anything but the most respect for that guy. it makes me sad to see it all come down like this:

Sent at 7:12 PM on Monday
me: i'm curious to know if i did something to get you angry
cuz if so i dont know what it was
and if so i think you should tell me
because we've been friends for so long
if not
if ur just busy, you've been busy for a long long time
and i apologize if its something i did
and not realized
but also
the silent treatment is getting old
this is something girls do
cmon dont be a girl
then if you dont want to talk
consider this my last message
and i'm going to go off on you
for being kind of a dick friend too
once u got your new aikido friends
u never really called to hang out anymore
and sure friends drift apart but i've never seen more drift than from u
i mean cmon, you'd rather watch a basketball game than hang out with mike and i?
fuck that
thats not the jeff i know
you've changed man
and for the worst
i don't think i can call you my friend anymore
but u were a best friend to me
i hooked you up with jenny
remember that
i told you to take the aikido class at csun
remember that
when i came back to cali u were the friend i wanted to see
after what, 10 years?
now what
i can't even stop you from being a coward
and hiding behind IM
i called you, twice
two messages
to talk about this
ok ur afk now
but read this well
because its the last i'm going to try to talk to you
cya

Hey look a new post. Basically I just wanted to jot down when I decided to become a police officer. I want to do good and affect the world and stuff, its always been a dream of mine.

Recently I hadn't talked to Jib in 2 weeks. Now in a normal relationship I suppose that would be a deal-breaker, there just isn't a relationship if you don't talk to the person in 2 weeks. I guess me and her, we transcend that. I really hope so. Because it kind of felt like a deal-breaker to me.

I'm typing all correctly because thats now what my job calls for. Game testing for Electronic Arts, I play games ALL day. What a big jump to being a cop.

Also recently I made a round of calls to people still on my phone. Trying to get their thoughts of me being a cop. What do you think?