Doesn't it feel great to be alive?
Molly was a good girl.

After the previous blog's insecurities I thought I might move along to more prevalent things.

Lets see, if you were my mom, you'd ask me how my day went. You'd ask me what i did, what i ate, and if studies were coming along. if you called.

The thing about vicky is: She'll come around, and disappear for weeks, and all the sudden show up and expect a recourse and a red carpet.

why are girls like this? do they only want you when your with someone else?

so who's this girl i'm seeing now? slowly learning about her. trying to be observent yet stay away and not smother. trying not to meld into one. i don't have to try very hard. without a car makes mileage meant for my car goes to my meandering fingers. push the plastic buttons... jolly candilike buttons.... sweet... a voice as such.

i have mess issues. i see her bed in disarray. it clearly reminds me of mine, and i just smile because i don't know how to explain to her we're alike in that way, and its beautiful. i never had to try so hard to make a girl laugh. in fact, i rarely have to try at all. she's got this texas mental shield towards valley humor.

am i attracted to girls who remind me of my mother? i don't think so. mere coincidences. coincidences i tell you.

i do think i need someone to keep me in line. and shake the candy drop tin of my nagasaki-grave-of-the-fireflies life.

if a luke fell into your life, and nobody was around to hear it, would it make a sound?

my impounded car fees now total more than $1300 dollars. i owe hundreds to my friends and father. yet i'm not stressed out.

the highlight of today is when i went to aas 210 and mrs. whatsername explained in so few words the problem of my life:

not enough stress

you see. you need stress. a little bit. just a little. stress activates your adrenal glands and get you going.

without stress you wouldn't get you out of bed. (luke)
without stress you wouldn't do your homework. (luke)
without stress you wouldn't study. (luke)

i feel neither fear nor stress.
which is a reason why i procrastinate.
why i don't get things done.
i don't fear the consequences.

parking tickets? impounding my car? fuck if i care.

its this apathy i need to avoid.

i need a little stress in my life.
sometimes i find it in a girl (mind occupied)
sometimes i find it among friends (drama)

but i never find it in school

was this because i never had parents around to keep me in line?
i was spoiled? the only child and therefore left to do as i wished?