Over the past five years, I have shed my tears, I have drank my beers, and watched my fears fly away.

And until this day, she still swings my way, but it's sad to say sometimes she says she loves me not.

In the brightest hour, of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can’t get over you
Can’t get through to you
It’s been a helter-skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds
By his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her
He'll never forgive her

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

I guess you're wondering why all the posts about girls? Well, I guess I do it in case I ever meet "the one". She should know, if she wants, every thing I've ever done. Anyone I ever pursued.

Thats my truth, thats my honesty. Right up here for anyone to look at, including her.

And I'm about to push it all out. A purging, if you will, of all the relationships I've been in. 26 years old now I have to start getting serious and forget about the past for her.

For you reading this right now.

The story of Amanda:

He was a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it anymore obvious? lol.

No, I don't know what happened to her. Maybe she flaked. Maybe she read my blog. Maybe she's reading it right now. Who knows. All I know is I'm very disappointed in her.

Here's how I met her. My friend Rov. He's gay. We were in weightlifting class in high school. (wow weightlifting as a class lol). Rov had a cousin. It was his cousin's birthday. So I roll down to their pad. Never been there before. Never even been in the AREA before. Never met his cousin. But seemed like a cool guy.

He had cooler hair than me in high school, which I guess means you're cool.

I think I breakdanced (brokedance?) and she was impressed, maybe she had a thing for me. Or drunk. Or both. Well I had a thing for this lush. I had a thing for Filipinos. Don't ask me why, but this thing for Filipinos has haunted me all my livelong days.

Ended up being sleepy time, and I couldn't sleep. All I could do was look at her sleeping on the sofa. I thought she opened her eyes. She did open her eyes, and was looking straight at me. She said "honey come here". So I did. I remember her voice. It is the same voice I can imagine every time I think of her. Its sexy, sultry even. The kind of voice you would hear if you called a "1-900" number late night from TV. It send chills and thrills down my spine.

I could go on and on about what she's like. Long black hair. Always. Beautiful long black hair, for days. Milky skin. She could model if she wasn't smart enough to be a dentist.

I slept by her sitting down on the floor sofaside till morning, she slept on the sofa. I promised I'd guard her all night.

Now. In the morning, I asked if I'd see her again. I wasn't sure if she remembered the night. I was rushed out of the house, Rov's cousins' parents probably were coming home in like 1.5 minutes. I can't remember what she said, but I know it was probably something sultry.

Well, I did see her again. And over the period of years. I dropped flowers at her house for valentines. I went to the mall she worked at to visit. I stopped by at the resturaunt she used to work at. She even came to see me once, at my birthday. I saw her maybe one day year, and each time it became the best day of the year.

We talked online once or twice. I learned things about her when I could.

So, years went by and we went to different colleges. I decide to send her one of my yearly contacts at Christmas. And she responds back. We send a long string of emails. Each email pushing toward each other, getting closer, closer, and closer until we really have to see each other again.

She comes back to LA from San Francisco. I send her a text, and many emails. The text says "Only 2 days left, where are you?". No response. I just don't call. I have her number but I don't call. It wouldn't be gentlemanly to call uninvited. So I don't call and the week goes by, no response.

I figure its time to forget about her. But how can I? Tell me, how can I? I can't, thats why. Try to forget the feeling of wind on your face. Try to forget what a great cheeseburger tastes like. Try to forget your favorite things.

You just can't.